I crossed the line yet again. Mistress was giving me an even harder bare ass spanking...and it finally dawned on me the reason for it is a combination of things.
I went through horrific things as a young child...things I am now processing with an exceptional trauma therapist over 30 years later. Part of the catharsis of therapy is feeling what I felt then (terror, no control,etc...)which leaves me feeling ungrounded, anxious and angry as hell.
Mistress also recently collared me again after releasing me in March 2009. We are re-establishing boundaries in our renewed dynamic.
Mistress and I talked about everything. She understands that I am dealing with things but Her hard limit is me taking it out on Her. We both agreed on a safe-word I am to say when Im in a head space that I need time to process. That way if Im having a flash-back of something during the day/night and She inquires about my suddenly leaving the room or not answering when She speaks to me...all I have to say is the word and She will know Im working through something internally and not grounded. The same for Her...She has Her limits like everybody else and sometimes needs personal space to deal with personal things without having to elaborate on why.
I am now doing daily meditations along with my self-care routines. I am more than encouraged by Mistress to talk to Her about things... not for Her to "fix" it but so I can verbalize things to make them more real so I can work through them. I am also doing more of my journal and art therapy to help make the internal more external.
As for the renewed dynamic we are both committed to making our marriage work. The BDSM is just an aspect of the bigger picture that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are confident that through our love, our raw honesty with each other as well as ourselves and our devotion to each other, our children and grandchildren....the Mistress/slave stuff will take care of itself.
Today I am feeling very well and at peace. Its pouring outside but its done nothing to dampen my spirits. This is a new year and I feel in my bones its gonna be the best one yet :)