Crossing the line

I crossed the line yet again. Mistress was giving me an even harder bare ass spanking...and it finally dawned on me the reason for it is a combination of things.

I went through horrific things as a young child...things I am now processing with an exceptional trauma therapist over 30 years later. Part of the catharsis of therapy is feeling what I felt then (terror, no control,etc...)which leaves me feeling ungrounded, anxious and angry as hell.

Mistress also recently collared me again after releasing me in March 2009. We are re-establishing boundaries in our renewed dynamic.

Mistress and I talked about everything. She understands that I am dealing with things but Her hard limit is me taking it out on Her. We both agreed on a safe-word I am to say when Im in a head space that I need time to process. That way if Im having a flash-back of something during the day/night and She inquires about my suddenly leaving the room or not answering when She speaks to me...all I have to say is the word and She will know Im working through something internally and not grounded. The same for Her...She has Her limits like everybody else and sometimes needs personal space to deal with personal things without having to elaborate on why.

I am now doing daily meditations along with my self-care routines. I am more than encouraged by Mistress to talk to Her about things... not for Her to "fix" it but so I can verbalize things to make them more real so I can work through them. I am also doing more of my journal and art therapy to help make the internal more external.

As for the renewed dynamic we are both committed to making our marriage work. The BDSM is just an aspect of the bigger picture that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are confident that through our love, our raw honesty with each other as well as ourselves and our devotion to each other, our children and grandchildren....the Mistress/slave stuff will take care of itself.

Today I am feeling very well and at peace. Its pouring outside but its done nothing to dampen my spirits. This is a new year and I feel in my bones its gonna be the best one yet :)

cleaning & changes....

i am going to be cleaning & revamping my blog over the next couple of weeks. i am changing some of the music, maybe the layout and skimming down the bloglist. there are some blogs that have gone dormant that will be taken off to make room for blogs that are more active.

Mistress has also told me to simplify my life. with school and everything else going on-my insomnia is back. i have tried to be super-slave while also trying to be super-mom, super-grandma, and super-friend. Mistress and i talked about it. She was blunt in telling me that it is impossible for me to take care of everyone and everything all of the time. i am to do my duties and take care of Her and me. whatever other people(kids/grandkids/friends) can do for themselves-so be it. i was soo stressed about shit that it was toxic to me, my ability to be Mistress's slave and Hers and my marriage. She knows me soo well that She knew long ago what was going on with me...while i hadn't a clue. i asked Her why She didnt tell me. She said it was because i would've scoffed at the idea and i would've been even more adamant at running myself ragged. She allowed me to get far enough to the end of my rope to listen to Her. She knows me better than i know myself. i am stubborn in that i am always insisting on helping others while refusing help from others. Mistress has set the limit for me that i am to only to do my duties and what other things She tells me and then take time for myself each day. it will be different but i trust Mistress that this is what is best for me and our marriage. Her and i are forever so what matters most is what is the healthiest thing for us.

well...it's almost 3 in the morning and i need to try to get some more sleep to get up for school.

discovery of a hard limit

Mistress was proceeding to punish me. She used the cherry switch to whip my back, ass and legs. She hit harder with every lash and left many welts. My skin was screaming "NO" but i kept silent and dare not move away for fear of making the punishment worse. Mistress grabbed for a breast and didnt get a good grip-for some insane reason i smirked ~ which made Her grab at it harder and twist it while pinching. my eyes bulged out from the pain but i kept silent and gave Her my look of submission of looking into Her eyes and then looking down. She let go of that breast. i thought the breast torture was done but then She grabbed my nipple and twisted it so hard i thought it was going to tear off. She whipped me some more and did some more breast torture. the punishment hurt like hell~what brought it to a screeching halt for now is She was punching my legs and arms. at first it hurt and i kept quiet-then She punched my arm a little harder which wasnt really hard-however something about the last punch scared the shit out of me. a wave of terror swept over me and i just burst out crying and had to get away. i wasnt scared that Mistress would ever abuse me-NO WAY- i just felt a sudden urge to fight or flight. i am definitely not going to ever strike Mistress so i ran into our bathroom crying. Mistress was confused and i was screaming that i was scared and i didnt want Her to punch me like that ever again. after awhile i calmed down and Mistress and i are taking this afternoon off to do Dom/sub aftercare and communicate on my reaction. punching is now a hard limit. i told Mistress i know She would never abuse me and that i still trust Her. this is the first time i have ever had a reaction like this. i am feeling bad for not controlling my emotions better. Mistress says She understands and there is no need to keep explaining myself. the worst part is how i screamed at Mistress and made it seem She had done something abusive.
has anyone else had a similar reaction with their dom/me. any feedback is appreciated.