This is what I wanted and still want....

This week started out really bad. I was in a funky mood and instead of saying our safe-word so I could take a time out...I let things pile up and I had an angry outburst while Mistress and I were running errands.

She is not pleased with me and let me know my punishment is going to be more severe than any before. She is waiting for our company to leave this time next week to give me my punishment. I am doing my best to make it up to Her...but to no avail so far.

She reminded me that this is what I had asked for and agreed to when She collared me on New Years. She is absolutely right...this is what I consented to and She isnt forcing me to remain Her slave. I know I can put a stop to this at any time but I dont want to. Her dominance helps me feel secure and safe. Even though I dont understand why She says and does things sometimes...I know She always has my best interest at heart.

I have a very strong personality and I speak my mind more often than not...however I have always had a severe yearning to submit...to have someone dominate me. Someone I could trust with my life and know that even during moments of extreme pain....they would never do anything that would really hurt me in any way.

I have found that person in Mistress. Not only is She my Mistress but She is my best friend, lover, wife,my primary, the co-parent of my daughters and the one person who knows me better than I know myself. I am confident I'm not going to enjoy my punishment but I know it will deepen my submission and Mistress knows best.

Everything at once...

1st our microwave is giving out. 2nd our refrigerator is leaking. 3rd which happened this morning is our bathroom plumbing is clogged up. Mistress tried Drano to no avail. I am not to do anything that involves the kitchen sink either. Luckily our oldest daughter lives in the same complex as we do so we use her bathroom and shower.

The thing that makes it worse is that we have company. They completely understand but I feel horrible because Im unable to clean the kitchen or the bathroom. Mistress told me to let it go but seeing the dirty dishes in the sink is driving my OCD bonkers.This morning I competely forgot our company was here...they were still in the other room laying down...and I said "Good morning Mistress". My eyes got wide the moment I said it because I heard one of them giggle. Mistress gave me a good morning kiss and paid them no mind. I followed Her lead.
Mistress said She has a special surprise for me for tomorrow.I have no clue what it is...She wont even give me a hint :-( . Im thinking it may be the cage which is sitting off of our living room. We have dogs so no one will question why its there. However I spend more time in there than the dogs. Im ambivalent when it comes to the cage. I love that Im short enough to fit in there with plenty of room to move somewhat. I hate that once Im in there I never know when Im allowed to get out. I know its for my own good that Mistress puts me in there. Its Her form of a time-out for me to remind me of my place. I enter being a smart-ass and I exit deeper in my submission to Her.

What are your thoughts on being put in a cage???

-Bella

3rd times the charm...

Yes...I did it again. However instead of waiting to punish me Mistress immediately turned me around and had me bare my ass. Instead of hitting different spots on my ass...She spanked the same spot over and over. Which each spank the stinging turned into an intense burning. Tears came to my eyes but I didnt make a sound. When Mistress was done She whirled me around so I was facing Her nose to nose and said very clearly "DO NOT DO IT AGAIN!!!" She then banned me from the internet for the rest of the night.

Mistress has been inspired by Kaya's latest blog post. If I get out of line again I will be writing sentences while sitting naked on uncooked rice. The idea of that completely squicks me out as I wont sit on simple dirt without a blanket underneath me. Im now making a diligent effort to engage my brain before my mouth.

On a brighter note Im now learning to cook different cuisines. Last night I made california rolls for the first time. They looked nothing like they do in the stores/restaurants but Mistress assured me that they were delicious. Tonight Im making steaks with stuffed mushrooms. Ive made those before of course but tonight Im trying a new recipe for the mushroom filling. Im also getting back into baking again. Mistress told me friday...while looking around at the local sales....that She is getting me new baking pans along with new cake decorating supplies. She knows I cook from the heart. I love baking the cakes for our families birthdays and our get-togethers with friends and family.

Im going to be revamping this blog. I have come across some features I would like to try out and see if I like them. Some readers have messaged me on why I dont post personal pics...Mistress forbids it. I do have one pic of me on a fetish site...only people on my friends list are allowed to see more pics. I thought it a bit odd that someone would ask that question...ah well  :::shrugs:::

I do notice that alot of people read my blog but few comment. Dont be shy...go ahead and introduce yourself. Im going to be implenting the widget so readers can ask questions. I will answer within the guidelines set down by Mistress.

I hope everyone is staying safe & healthy in all the crazy weather everywhere. (((HUGS)))

-Bella

Crossing the line

I crossed the line yet again. Mistress was giving me an even harder bare ass spanking...and it finally dawned on me the reason for it is a combination of things.

I went through horrific things as a young child...things I am now processing with an exceptional trauma therapist over 30 years later. Part of the catharsis of therapy is feeling what I felt then (terror, no control,etc...)which leaves me feeling ungrounded, anxious and angry as hell.

Mistress also recently collared me again after releasing me in March 2009. We are re-establishing boundaries in our renewed dynamic.

Mistress and I talked about everything. She understands that I am dealing with things but Her hard limit is me taking it out on Her. We both agreed on a safe-word I am to say when Im in a head space that I need time to process. That way if Im having a flash-back of something during the day/night and She inquires about my suddenly leaving the room or not answering when She speaks to me...all I have to say is the word and She will know Im working through something internally and not grounded. The same for Her...She has Her limits like everybody else and sometimes needs personal space to deal with personal things without having to elaborate on why.

I am now doing daily meditations along with my self-care routines. I am more than encouraged by Mistress to talk to Her about things... not for Her to "fix" it but so I can verbalize things to make them more real so I can work through them. I am also doing more of my journal and art therapy to help make the internal more external.

As for the renewed dynamic we are both committed to making our marriage work. The BDSM is just an aspect of the bigger picture that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are confident that through our love, our raw honesty with each other as well as ourselves and our devotion to each other, our children and grandchildren....the Mistress/slave stuff will take care of itself.

Today I am feeling very well and at peace. Its pouring outside but its done nothing to dampen my spirits. This is a new year and I feel in my bones its gonna be the best one yet :)

Punished....

i am not sure what got into me today but i went way over the line with Mistress. i got mouthy several times and didnt heed Her "warning" look. The last time i got mouthy Mistress gave me a pardon because i was soo ill. i got a little to full of myself and forgot the rule of always being respectful to Her.

my punishment was a spanking....and not a pleasurable one but i know thats the point. She had me lay down on the bed...i knew not to move and She left a huge handprint on my ass...which is still stinging. She promised if i got out of line disrespectful again, my whole ass would be stinging. i am going to do my best to not test that limit again.

i live to submit to Her so i dont understand why i went so far in things. Mistress wasnt angry with me...She never punishes me when She is angry...but She is disappointed. i am going to start doing check-ins with myself to figure out where my attitude is coming from.

does anyone else get out of line and not know why???

i am soo lucky...

to have such a wonderful,loving and understanding wife and Mistress.

my back is better but not all healed. Mistress has added a few more duties that i can do that won't compromise my back.

early this morning She sensed that i needed pain. i was servicing Her feet and She had me lay all the way down on the floor. i love kneeling and laying at Her feet. i would do it everywhere and all the time but that isnt practical. anyhooo....when i was laying down She proceeded to step hard onto my tits and nipples. i wasnt allowed to move or make a sound. the pain felt soo good and my pussy was getting wet. Mistress saw that i was turned on and told me i will have to wait for toytime. She continued to press down with Her feet onto my tits until She knew that i had enough. i thought She was done but when i was in the kitchen starting to make Her breakfast...She came over and proceeded to pull and twist my nipples. She then popped me in the ass and told me what She wanted for breakfast. i am now all twittipated and She told me we are going out today. i am not sure what She has in mind. i think it will be fun as i havent done anything out of line lately.

an aching back and aching for play

i went to the doctors and found out i severely strained the muscles in my lower back. Mistress has put me on light duty. i appreciate it but it also bugs the hell out of me that i am unable to do all of my duties. i am on a muscle relaxant and pain reliever and my back is feeling better. i am only taking the meds at night now...i hate feeling doped up during the day.

we are now in another state living in a huge house. the house owner is an old friend of mine who lives in the garage that was made into an apartment. we had to put our calico cat down. we found out she had cancer that had spread everywhere. we miss her but know she is at peace and out of pain. we now have a boxer/bulldog mix that my friend found. he is a moose and a character. he has taken a liking to Mistress.

with all of the packing and moving...Mistress and i havent had alot of private time. instead of a few hours at a time...we have moments that Mistress will torture my tits or spank my ass. She made a home-made flogger out of 1/4 inch rope that She put knots in at the end. She introduced me to it by smacking me with it really hard out of the blue. it scared the shit out of me-i thought something had bit me. Mistress giggled and promised that if i didnt behave i would be getting more of it. the next day is when my back went out. i was bending over to move a backpack off of a box i wanted to bring into the house...i felt a sharp pain in my back that went down into my legs. i fell over and laid there trying to get the pain under enough control that i could stand up. Mistress heard me cry out and came over and asked what was wrong. i told Her and She giggled at the sight of me trying to get up into the chair. i still went through things...i was determined to work through the pain. the next day when She saw that i was having problems just trying to sit on the toilet...She told me to go to the doctor. She said if i didnt go She would take my mind off of my back pain by making something else on my body hurt alot worse.

today i am doing laundry and moving the things in our room around to move the bed. its by a window which is putting a cold draft onto Mistress. my friend noticed that i do alot of the housework and inquired on why my wife doesnt do some of it. i told her that is between my wife and i and that is what i want to do. i may explain to her later Mistress's and my dynamic but at this time i am not really in the mood to explain it.

i hope that Mistress and i have more private time soon. She needs it and so do i.

cats are driving this puppy insane....

we are moving tomorrow. everything is packed and we have the reinforcements lined up to get us out of here pronto. we are moving out to the country. the place is a bit smaller but has a bigger yard and a big huge storage unit for our camping gear. there is also a horse ranch across the way. Mistress said we are going to look into horse riding lessons our youngest. there is also a playground and a big field for our youngest to practice soccer in.

i am feeling a bit relieved to be out of here. the animals have been on edge. the cats think the stacks of boxes are for only their amusement. the tabby is lil miss evil knievel in that she will get on top of one stack and jump onto a stack across the room. most of the time she makes it...i almost have cardiac arrest when she crashes to the floor. i dont know if its because of her youth, that she gets bored easily or that she is in heat. she has it bad-she has even tried to mate with Mistress's steel toe boots.

i was touched today when Mistress and i were going through things and i came across some old letters i had written Her ages ago. i never knew She had them. come to find out She always carries them in Her leather jacket by Her heart but had taken them out when we took it into be professionally cleaned. Her and i have been running on fumes and have been a bit testy at times with each other. i have been doing most of the packing and Mistress showed Her appreciation this afternoon before the kids got home from school. She pinned me to the bed and proceeded to flog my tits. She forbid me from cumming. She had to leave and said we would finish later. She told me once we are moved and settled~we are going to have a few days kid free to do as She wishes.

well...need to get back to the last minute packing.

sasquatch sighting

this morning i woke up and went into the bathroom~i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and........ omg!!!

i am a sasquatch slave.

Mistress doesn't seem to mind the hair~in fact She has been having Her sadistic fun by pulling on my pussy hair at random times >:)

those 5 words...

"I am proud of you" from Mistress mean the world to me.

i have been walking on clouds since last night...i am a very happy slave that i have made Mistress sooo happy with me...here is what happened....

with Mistress and i both in school during the day and Her teen sitting at night~we haven't had alot of time together. however Mistress found a way to reward me for my patience. She gave me a looong list of errands to do and a time limit to do them in. when i was done i was to meet Her at a certain time with our youngest so i could do the shopping for the teens She is watching. i did everything without complaint. when we were done we went outside to wait for the bus~we just missed it so we had to wait in the cold. the kids sat down to listen to music at an ipod. Mistress and i walked a half a block away to smoke. i was shivering from the cold~i had on a thick coat and everything but the wind was chilling me to the bone. Mistress shielded me from the cold and told me She was proud that i had done everything with a great attitude. i smiled from ear to ear. She walked me just around the corner of a structure and looked to make sure no one was looking. She grabbed onto my tit and twisted it just hard enough and long enough to get me warm. i loved it :)!!! we had to get back to the kids so we walked back to wait for the bus. the kids werent paying alot of attention to us (go figure) and every time i started to shiver Mistress would pinch me somewhere to get me warm again.

we finally made it back to the teens's house. i made it home later and called Mistress to let Her know i made it home ok. She told me once again how proud She is of me and i did a really good job. She was reading my mind and answered what i was thinking. She said i am not getting toytime until She is home nights again. She wants to be here to watch (and probably make me beg to cum knowing Her *snicker*). i am thinking on asking Mistress if i can buy some rubber sheets. it's been almost 2 months since She has allowed me to cum. the last time i was on restriction this long-i soaked a mattress when i squirted and we had to buy another one. Mistress hopes to be home by the end of the month...so if around that time you hear of a typhoon coming from my area...run for cover (unless squirt juice is your kink *wink*)

worried...

this weekend has been a roller coaster. my doctor is weaning me off of some meds for my bipolar and anxiety to start me slowly on some other ones that have less side effects. needless to say i have been more emotional. Mistress calls it my "exorcist" mode. yesterday was our anniversary of when we became a couple. we went out to the same restaurant we did where we had "the talk" as we do every year on january 10th. Mistress didn't want to eat and i was upset and took it personal that She didnt want to celebrate our anniversary. i have a habit of jumping to conclusions. Mistress enlightened me that Her stomache hasnt been keeping down anything..at all. i knew She had been having some heartburn but i thought it was just the meds She is taking for Her migraines. i won't go into detail about what we talked about but i found out that Her health issues are more serious than what She had shared with me. now i am worried...Mistress told me not to but that is like asking a dog not to scratch at a flea.

i finished my meal and we came home and She let me know She is not happy with how i didnt give Her the benefit of the doubt. we got the "story of o" for us to read...Mistress is reading it first. tonight She is teen sitting and i am still on toytime restriction. i feel bad for my attitude the last couple of days. why Mistress didnt haul off and smack me to correct my attitude...i don't know. She told me to think about what i had done and what i can do to make sure it doesnt happen again. that is exactly what i am going to do...while trying not to show how worried i am about Mistress.

finally...

i don't have classed today and the kids are at school...so i finally have the peace and time to update on the playtimes Mistress and i have had.

i can't remember exactly what day it was but the children were gone and i thought Mistress was napping. i went to lay down next to Her to read a book and was pleasantly surprised when She rolled over and punched me hard with that twinkle in Her eye. just that one punch sent my clit abuzzing and my nipples got hard. Mistress started pinching and twisting my nipples and breasts. i began quivering and moaned "oooh yes". Mistress does this thing of grabbing my nipples and twisting them as far as they will go and then rubbing them between Her fingers. the pain is excruciating and i love it. the more She tortured my tits the wetter my pussy was becoming. my pussy was begging for stimulation. Mistress gave me Her sadistic smile and kicked me full force in the clit. i almost came right then~i asked Mistress if i could cum and She said no. She then pushed Her foot hard into my pussy and started rubbing my clit really hard. She was still torturing my tits and told me to not cum. She kept rubbing and torturing until i felt like my head was going to shoot off of my body. She then rolled me over and spanked me hard on my ass. my ass felt like it was on fire which made my pussy drool and quiver even more. i felt myself start to drift away onto the clouds but Mistress grabbed me by the hair and slapped my face a couple times. She gave me a look and i knew that i am not to go into subspace until She wants me to. She picked up an unused flyswatter and proceeded to swat me all over my tits,ass and pussy. i was all tingly, in pain and again felt myself turning into goo. Mistress put down the flyswatter and again started to torture my tits and rubbing Her foot into my pussy. my body was begging to cum...for release...but Mistress refused. i was in the clouds and Mistress decided that i had had enough. She had me drink some vitamin water and laid me down next to Her. She covered us both up while spooning me and we both had a very restful nap in each others arms.

i am still on orgasm restriction. Mistress is training me to deepen my submission to Her. She told me i am to work on not engaging my mouth before my brain. She doesnt care if i havent had coffee or need a cigarette...i am to automatically be Her slave even when i am sleeping. if i can stay smartass free until this weekend then She will allow me to cum. it is going to be hard for me as i dont even know my name before my morning cup of coffee and cigarette. i am determined to do it though. i want to be the slave that Mistress deserves.

my resolutions...

i have been thinking alot on what i want to work on this year and have come up with the following:

my domestic service to Mistress~ my submissiveness has been off balance lately in that most of it has just been sexually. i want to do more for Mistress domestically. i keep the house up and do most of the cooking. i want to expand on my cooking and decorating. Mistress appreciates everything i do around the house already~i just want to do more because She deserves for me to be the best all around slave i can be. i have signed up on the flylady site and looking on the internet for different recipes Mistress will like that wont aggravate Her acid reflux.

my patience with myself~i am my hardest critic and want to work on that. if Mistress is happy then i need not fret about if i am lacking in my being Her slave. when i stress then Mistress stresses and thats not good for either one of us. what has been helping me lately is reading alot in the book "don't sweat the small stuff".

my smoking~i am down to half a pack a day at most. my smoking aggravates my asthma but when i dont smoke my anxiety goes up. it is a catch 22 and i am taking it one day at a time. i only smoke when i really, really need it and never smoke more than half a cigarette at a time.

my caffeine consumption~i was drinking at least 2 pots a day of really strong coffee (Mistress calls it mud). i want to cut down because caffeine can inhibit the body from absorbing calcium and i need all that i can get (osteoporosis runs rampant in my family on both sides)i am now down to a pot a day. the coffee helps with my asthma and the aches from my arthritis.

my education~i am going back to college next week so that is covered.

i wanted to work on my weight but Mistress told me that i look fine to Her. She likes me with some meat on my bones. i am a bbw blessed with big bosoms. i am still losing weight slowly from eating better and taking more walks. Mistress doesnt mind that some weight is coming off She doesnt want it coming off too fast or me stressing on the numbers.

that about covers it.

it is snowing again and Mistress and i have to go run errands~what joy!!!

an update...

Mistress and i are almost back to normal~"our normal". we had a looong talk and laid all of our cards out on the table. i have been on orgasm restriction on top of trying to quit smoking and cutting down my caffeine consumption on top of the stress of the holidays. i felt like a time bomb ready to explode. Mistress has been having migraines-they are worse than what She had told me (She didn't want me worrying) so She hadn't been in the mood to play. i took Her not being interested personally and thought She wasn't happy with me as Her slave. during our talk She made it clear that if She wasnt happy with me~She would've released me and moved out. She hadn't been punishing me as much because of Her migraines. She didn't want to lose control and hurt me out of Her frustration of always being in pain.


we are now slowly beginning to play again and Mistress has been inflicting pain on me. i will elaborate on that in a later post. this morning i am a happy slave. Mistress and i are communicating and our marriage is better than it has been in awhile. the snow has melted all away with the confusion in our relationship. the children are still home on winter break and we are doing alot of family things together. Mistress is going back to "teen" sit for our friend for a few weeks after winter break. She will be here during school hours but will be spending nights there to make sure the teens don't destroy their house.


for new year's eve we are staying home with the kids~Mistress and the kids are going to be killing demons and zombies on the xbox360 while i make goodies to eat.


life is good now and i know 2009 is going to be even better :)

stuffed like a turkey!!!

we had our christmas feast last night. i ate waaay too much and went into a turkey coma for the night. today we are staying home~playing the new xbox360 and waiting for the next storm to hit. i am going to curl up on the couch to read while watching Mistress kick ass on the game She is playing.

i have come across some new blogs and will be adding those to my blog list as time allows. the children are home for vacation so alot of my reading/posting is done late at night/early in the morning. the children are busy with what they got for christmas so i have some privacy.

i am still on orgasm restriction and its starting to get to me. my frustration level is down and i find myself biting my tongue alot with everyone. Mistress said She is thinking about me having toytime-it depends on my attitude.

well-time to refill my coffee and snuggle in again into my blanket. life is good today :)

t.m.i. tuesday

i am using this from luna's blog (http://blog.the-iron-gate.com/). i am still trying to figure out how to attach the link to her name-anybody know how???

1. What do present do you hope ends up under you tree? Mistress and i to have some alone time so we can do as Mistress wishes.
2. What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)? i already gave my present to Mistress~an xbox360.
3. DO you prefer to give or receive? i love to give :)
4. What is your favorite part off a sexual partner’s body? if i had to pick just one part it would be Mistress's mouth. Her kisses take my breath away
5. What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to? my breasts-they are very errogenous and Mistress pays plenty of attention to them :)

going to be careful for what i wish for....

i am going to start being more careful for what i wish for. i wanted a white christmas and its been snowing for the last week. Mistress and i had to go to our son's house to watch the grandkids while him and his wife did the last of their christmas shopping. we only meant to be there a few hours and ended up staying a few days. the blizzard that was supposed to hit saturday hit our area on friday. it finally started letting up yesterday (or so we thought) so we started to make our way home. halfway home while waiting for a bus~another storm hit. it took us 7 hours to get home~it usually only takes 45 mins and that includes all the walking and the bus rides. the snow is up almost to my knee. Mistress made it easier for me to walk by walking in front and having me step into Her prints. She would stop every 20 feet or so to look back and make sure i hadnt fallen. we were exhausted when we got home and went to bed early.

we have been too tired and busy to play and we both need it. today we are staying inside spending time with the kids and watching movies. i have a few books i am going to read. i am eager for Mistress to inflict pain on me. i am not sure what i need more-the ecstasy of pain or the ecstasy of cumming. i am trying to keep a good attitude. i woke up this morning and made Mistress a plate of crepe's and selected out some of Her favorite movies to watch. laundry is being done and the house is clean.

i was sad to read that caitlin passed away. i read her blog from time to time and was touched by her writings. reading the post by her master brought tears to my eyes. i don't even want to think about life without Mistress.

Mistress comes home today!!!

i am soo thrilled...Mistress is coming home today. i have really missed Her!!!

the kids are home from school because of the snow and the next couple of weeks they are home on winter break. we are going to coordinate their visits to their friends at the same time so Mistress and i can get some much needed alone time to play. i am aching for pain but will wait because i know Mistress will make it worth it. since i have been on orgasm restriction for awhile i have a feeling that when Mistress does allow me to cum-i am going to gush.

today we are making christmas goodies with the kids. Mistress also bought a couple of Christmas movies for us to watch with our tradition of watching "christmas vacation" every year. tonight i am cooking one of Mistress's favorites: my homemade bbq ribs with my homemade potato salad.

i am eager to see what Mistress wishes to do after the kids have gone to bed. She may just sleep since She hasnt slept good while She was away. i don't care what we do-i am just grinning ear to ear because She is home :)

thursday question

got this from luna's blog (http://blog.the-iron-gate.com/). i will try to do this every thursday.

What do you consider domestic service? Do you enjoy serving or being served in this fashion? What tips do you have for someone learning to love domestics?

domestic service to me is doing all of the housework and waiting on Mistress hand & foot. i also do alot of the paperwork and phone calls. it is up to me to make sure the house runs smoothly while keeping Mistress's rules in mind.

i enjoy doing the serving. it has always been a part of my personality to serve others. i get uncomfortable when Mistress serves me by making me soup when i am sick or doing something i am unable to because of a physical limitation. i know that Mistress only does what She wants to and its my job to keep my mouth shut. it still gives me an uneasy feeling though but i am learning to let it go.

tips??? what has helped me is the "flylady" website. she is a godsend!!! i also do little things for Mistress everyday to symbolize my submission and devotion to Her. little things like making sure Her favorite foods are always stocked, making sure there is always Her favorite reading material on Her nightstand, always making sure She has a beverage at room temperature within reach (too cold of things hurts Her mouth) and making sure Her psp is always charged. She never required me to do these things~they are just things i did on my own and i felt all warm & fuzzy when She took notice :)

christmas with coffee

Mistress gave me one of my christmas presents early-it is a coffee station that i can program to brew at a specific time and i can dispense my coffee with one hand. i am going to be getting some special coffee's, syrups and creamers so i can indulge my caffeine addiction.

today i had to go out and get some last minute shopping done. i didnt want to but Mistress insisted. i wasnt thrilled about going out into the snowstorm but Mistress said "do it bitch" so i did it. i hit some sales while braving the snow & wind. now i am home drinking my coffee and picking out books to read the next couple of days. we are expecting some more snow and colder weather. Mistress said since i did what i was told with a good attitude i can have the next couple of days inside the house. i am still on toytime restriction.

i bought Mistress some winter boots that She was needing. She mentioned that when they get dirty-She will have me lick shine them. i hope She was kidding-but will do it if She asks.

time to go snuggle into the blankets and read a book. i have a penchant for true crime books and have a few new ones to read.