Crossing the line

I crossed the line yet again. Mistress was giving me an even harder bare ass spanking...and it finally dawned on me the reason for it is a combination of things.

I went through horrific things as a young child...things I am now processing with an exceptional trauma therapist over 30 years later. Part of the catharsis of therapy is feeling what I felt then (terror, no control,etc...)which leaves me feeling ungrounded, anxious and angry as hell.

Mistress also recently collared me again after releasing me in March 2009. We are re-establishing boundaries in our renewed dynamic.

Mistress and I talked about everything. She understands that I am dealing with things but Her hard limit is me taking it out on Her. We both agreed on a safe-word I am to say when Im in a head space that I need time to process. That way if Im having a flash-back of something during the day/night and She inquires about my suddenly leaving the room or not answering when She speaks to me...all I have to say is the word and She will know Im working through something internally and not grounded. The same for Her...She has Her limits like everybody else and sometimes needs personal space to deal with personal things without having to elaborate on why.

I am now doing daily meditations along with my self-care routines. I am more than encouraged by Mistress to talk to Her about things... not for Her to "fix" it but so I can verbalize things to make them more real so I can work through them. I am also doing more of my journal and art therapy to help make the internal more external.

As for the renewed dynamic we are both committed to making our marriage work. The BDSM is just an aspect of the bigger picture that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are confident that through our love, our raw honesty with each other as well as ourselves and our devotion to each other, our children and grandchildren....the Mistress/slave stuff will take care of itself.

Today I am feeling very well and at peace. Its pouring outside but its done nothing to dampen my spirits. This is a new year and I feel in my bones its gonna be the best one yet :)

worried...

this weekend has been a roller coaster. my doctor is weaning me off of some meds for my bipolar and anxiety to start me slowly on some other ones that have less side effects. needless to say i have been more emotional. Mistress calls it my "exorcist" mode. yesterday was our anniversary of when we became a couple. we went out to the same restaurant we did where we had "the talk" as we do every year on january 10th. Mistress didn't want to eat and i was upset and took it personal that She didnt want to celebrate our anniversary. i have a habit of jumping to conclusions. Mistress enlightened me that Her stomache hasnt been keeping down anything..at all. i knew She had been having some heartburn but i thought it was just the meds She is taking for Her migraines. i won't go into detail about what we talked about but i found out that Her health issues are more serious than what She had shared with me. now i am worried...Mistress told me not to but that is like asking a dog not to scratch at a flea.

i finished my meal and we came home and She let me know She is not happy with how i didnt give Her the benefit of the doubt. we got the "story of o" for us to read...Mistress is reading it first. tonight She is teen sitting and i am still on toytime restriction. i feel bad for my attitude the last couple of days. why Mistress didnt haul off and smack me to correct my attitude...i don't know. She told me to think about what i had done and what i can do to make sure it doesnt happen again. that is exactly what i am going to do...while trying not to show how worried i am about Mistress.

a subbie's meltdown

yesterday i woke up and something wasnt right. i couldnt put my finger on it. we had to run errands so i bundled up for the cold weather. Mistress could tell something was wrong. i wasnt feeling good inside and out. my eyes started to tear up on the bus. i wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and pull it in after me. all i remember feeling was a sense of doom and horror. when we got home i exploded and acted like....acted like a bitch from hell. Mistress and i had the worst fight we have ever had. i was completely in the wrong and Mistress put me in my place. i am feeling better now but ashamed at my behavior. i am soo lucky to have Mistress in my life. i know if i had to live with someone like me...i would've abandoned ship looooong ago.

Mistress and i are taking time off from the s&m part of our dynamic. we want to figure out why i pushed Her into a fight where She would physically restrain me so i would give in and stop with my nonsense. when She was restraining me i felt a wave of calm wash over me and then disgust at myself for topping from the bottom. i am still Her submissive slave and doing service for Her. i am trying to figure out in my head what is more important to me-the service aspect of being a submissive slave or the masochistic aspect. i am trying to find a balance between the two. i love doing service for Her but i find if i havent had pain in awhile i get a bit bitchy.

why???

another meme & an update

i am feeling better mentally but still have this dang cold & cough. i shared with Mistress my insecurities of Her leaving and She told me that if She was ever going to leave me~She would've a loooong time ago when we went through our roughest patch. She said i am stuck with Her and She is also stuck with me :)

Mistress is going out of town this weekend for a week to do some house sitting for a friend. i am going to miss Her :( She said She will call me so i can tell Her what i am up to. i am getting more into the christmas spirit. i have a surprise in mind for Mistress but will wait for Her to be out of town to do it.

here is a meme i found on another blog that i read. sorry i dont have alot of smut to write about. i am sure when we are feeling better~ playtime will commence.

1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night? - morning

2. On which side of the bed do you sleep? - right side

3. Pork, beef, or chicken? - beef

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? - yes-when pregnant with both children.

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? - left

6. Candles or incense? - candles

7. Do you dance when no one is watching? - on occasion

8. Did you play doctor when you were little? - oh yes >:)

9. Stove top cooking or microwave? - stove top (microwave for popcorn)

10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty? - car

11. Shower or bath? - shower

12. Do you pee in the shower? - no

13. Mexican or Chinese food? - mexican

14. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? - aggressive

15. Do you own sex toys? - oh yes

16. Corn dogs or hot dogs? - cheese dogs

17. Your favorite restaurant? - la palma

18. What did you have for lunch today? - not yet but will probably have soup since i am currently sick

19. When did you last fall down? - a few months ago over the shadow of a tree (Mistress still laughs about that one)

20. Have you ever wished someone were dead? - no

21. Love or money? - love

22. Credit cards or cash? - cash-credit cards for emergencies only

23. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t? - oh yes

24. Oreos or vanilla wafers? - oreos

25. How do you like your steak cooked? - grilled with sauteed mushrooms

26. How do you like your eggs cooked? - over easy

27. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? - yes

28. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel? - camping

29. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? - minor surgery

30. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? - the head?...there isnt enough money in the world

31. Would you rather have lice or an STD? - who thought of this question-neither

32. What’s your favorite hard candy? - butterscotch

33. Ever been to a strip club? - yes

34. Ever been to a bar? - yes

35. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? - yes

36. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? - no

37. Kissed someone of the same sex? - yes

38. Had sex in the car? - yes

39. Had sex at the beach? - yes

40. Had sex in a movie theater? - yes

41. Had sex in a bathroom? - yes

42. Have you ever been in an “adult” store? - yes

43. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? -dont have a friends list.

44. Have you been caught having sex? - no

45. Have you ever kissed a stranger? -no

46. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you? - Mistress

a sick slave's insecurity

this bug has really kicked me off of my ass. i have been doing my best to keep up with my duties and havent been able to complete all of them. Mistress hasnt complained but i still feel like i am not holding up my end of things. i am one of those that gets sick from watching a cold medicine commercial. that is why i like to keep things clean. my philosophy is that if you can't eat off of it then its not clean. Mistress calls me a germophobe. i carry around hand sanitizer everywhere. i am not "monk-ish" but close.

anyhoo...since i have been resting up alot (Mistress's orders) i have been doing alot of thinking (Mistress has smelled alot of smoke-lol). I am starting to slide into the big 4-0...as much as i have tried to deny it...it bothers me that i am getting older. i still get carded when buying alcohol which always feels great. i have just noticed more wrinkles and my hair has alot more grey lately. i could care less what other people think but i often wonder if my aging is affecting how Mistress sees me. Mistress says i am being ridiculous when i share my insecurities that She is no longer attracted to me. logically i agree but lately insecure thoughts have been roaming around my head. i have been feeling more down lately which has sunk my self esteem. next week i am going in to get my bipolar meds adjusted~that should help with my moods and lift my self esteem back to normal.

the children have also been sick and now Mistress is coming down with the bug. needless to say Mistress and i havent had any quality time. our oldest daughter had a talk with me the other day. she had asked me to do something she could do for herself. i told her i was in the middle of something and could she do it herself. she got a little pissy and mentioned that i dont do everything for her or her sister but i do everything for my wife. i told her that i dont do everything but i do alot because that is how we want our marriage to work. she just rolled her eyes at me and walked away. i know teens will be teens so i didnt get mad or defensive. our oldest daughter may know that our marriage isnt like alot of other marriages. she is 17 and very intuitive. she doesnt ask so we dont tell. our youngest hasnt a clue. she is almost 9 and we are very careful to be more guarded around her since she is at an impressionable age. we don't even let her watch the news. our grown son and his wife know some of our dynamic but not all of it.

well-its 3:30 am and i need to try to get some more sleep. this cough has been keeping me up. i took some syrup and its starting to make me sleepy. i have been looking for my hot taudy recipe but havent found it yet. does anyone know of a good recipe to knock out this cold???

???detachable nipples???

nice title-huh-well let me explain.

last monday night Mistress was doing more breast and nipple torture on me. She had punched, slapped and squeezed my tits all bruisy. it felt delicious and it made my pussy wet. to make me even wetter She started to squeeze and pinch my nipples. i had closed my eyes as She squeezed harder and harder. i felt the world start to melt away and was vaguely aware of my surroundings. Mistress tugged on a nipple which indicated to me to open my eyes. i looked down to see Her pulling to stretch out my right nipple and to twist it (like someone would twist a washcloth to wring out excess water). She twisted it as far as it would go. the pain was unbearable and i felt myself ready to cum. before i could ask for permission She started to pinch it really hard. i saw stars in my mind and felt my body turning to jelly. my pussy was quivering and the juices were running down my thighs. Mistress then twisted it harder while pinching it harder and my eyes almost popped out of my head. She realized i was in subspace and at my limit so She let go. i dropped onto my back on my side of the bed. apparently one of my knuckles lightly thumped the wall-however when i heard the sound the first thought that popped into my head was "did my nipple fall off"~trouble was...i said it out loud. Mistress started cracking up~She laughed so hard that tears were coming out of Her eyes. i didnt realize i had said it out loud~when i am in subspace my v-chip is disabled and i am unaware of what i say. She said She wished She had it on video so She could send it to an american funniest home porn show with the title "detachable nipples". She said i had the cutest serious face when i said it. its been almost a week and She is still walking by me and grabbing a pinch of nipple while walking away and saying "i need your nipple for awhile". will i ever live this down? has anyone else had an embarrassing moment during a scene?

Mistress also helped me break down and release alot of stuff this week. alot of things have been going on and i am the type that will deny how much it bothers me and keep busy doings things to avoid whats bothering me. alot of anger was building up and Mistress could sense it. She started to nitpick about things. She would ask me to do something and while i was doing it, She would ask me to do something else. then while doing the latter thing She would want to know why i wasnt doing the former. then when i would be trying to sleep She would knock on my forehead to wake me up. She also started to with-hold affection which She knows hurts my feelings and i get angry when my feelings are hurt. She kept this up for a few days-just mindfucking me. Mistress knows me better than i know myself and can get me to react just the way She wants me to. i finally reached my breaking point and became uber-bitch. She calls it "worse than a fighting pit bull mode" when i get that way. i got disrespectful and instead of ignoring me like She usually does-She got right in my face and scared me. i was backed into the cupboard and i asked Her to back up. She refused and kept telling me how pissed off She was. i got even more scared and then it happened-the dam broke and i just started crying. Mistress backed up and let me have my space. i cried hard for a few hours and felt alot better. i talked to Her about the things i had pented up. i know She would never abuse me. She just wanted to scare me to kick in my fight or flight response. i had no place to fly and i will never hit Mistress. She knew i would get scared which would help me move pass the anger and let things out.

now that that i feel better inside- i have the bug that is going around. i am sleeping on the couch-not as punishment but so Mistress wont get sick to just pass it back to me. She checks on me during the night and makes sure i push liquids and get alot of rest. wow-this thing turned into a book. well...the cough med is kicking in so i will bid y'all a good night :)

discovery of a hard limit

Mistress was proceeding to punish me. She used the cherry switch to whip my back, ass and legs. She hit harder with every lash and left many welts. My skin was screaming "NO" but i kept silent and dare not move away for fear of making the punishment worse. Mistress grabbed for a breast and didnt get a good grip-for some insane reason i smirked ~ which made Her grab at it harder and twist it while pinching. my eyes bulged out from the pain but i kept silent and gave Her my look of submission of looking into Her eyes and then looking down. She let go of that breast. i thought the breast torture was done but then She grabbed my nipple and twisted it so hard i thought it was going to tear off. She whipped me some more and did some more breast torture. the punishment hurt like hell~what brought it to a screeching halt for now is She was punching my legs and arms. at first it hurt and i kept quiet-then She punched my arm a little harder which wasnt really hard-however something about the last punch scared the shit out of me. a wave of terror swept over me and i just burst out crying and had to get away. i wasnt scared that Mistress would ever abuse me-NO WAY- i just felt a sudden urge to fight or flight. i am definitely not going to ever strike Mistress so i ran into our bathroom crying. Mistress was confused and i was screaming that i was scared and i didnt want Her to punch me like that ever again. after awhile i calmed down and Mistress and i are taking this afternoon off to do Dom/sub aftercare and communicate on my reaction. punching is now a hard limit. i told Mistress i know She would never abuse me and that i still trust Her. this is the first time i have ever had a reaction like this. i am feeling bad for not controlling my emotions better. Mistress says She understands and there is no need to keep explaining myself. the worst part is how i screamed at Mistress and made it seem She had done something abusive.
has anyone else had a similar reaction with their dom/me. any feedback is appreciated.