a subbie's meltdown

yesterday i woke up and something wasnt right. i couldnt put my finger on it. we had to run errands so i bundled up for the cold weather. Mistress could tell something was wrong. i wasnt feeling good inside and out. my eyes started to tear up on the bus. i wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and pull it in after me. all i remember feeling was a sense of doom and horror. when we got home i exploded and acted like....acted like a bitch from hell. Mistress and i had the worst fight we have ever had. i was completely in the wrong and Mistress put me in my place. i am feeling better now but ashamed at my behavior. i am soo lucky to have Mistress in my life. i know if i had to live with someone like me...i would've abandoned ship looooong ago.

Mistress and i are taking time off from the s&m part of our dynamic. we want to figure out why i pushed Her into a fight where She would physically restrain me so i would give in and stop with my nonsense. when She was restraining me i felt a wave of calm wash over me and then disgust at myself for topping from the bottom. i am still Her submissive slave and doing service for Her. i am trying to figure out in my head what is more important to me-the service aspect of being a submissive slave or the masochistic aspect. i am trying to find a balance between the two. i love doing service for Her but i find if i havent had pain in awhile i get a bit bitchy.

why???

sniffle....

what i have been fearing has happened...i have a bad cold virus and there is nothing i can do about it. i woke up this morning coughing, sore throat and bad congestion. even though i am feeling under the weather i am feeling better than i have in awhile.

Mistress and i had quality time last night. i didnt even know She had planned it until i was sitting here on another website and She laid into me out of nowhere. She grabbed my nipple and pulled really hard while twisting. i barely had time to recover when She grabbed ahold of my neck and clamped down on it. She kept up the tit torture while squeezing my neck harder. the pain in my nipple was getting my pussy wet with excitement. i didnt have any air to breathe so i did the tap out signal so Mistress knew to let go so i could breathe. She let me take a breath and clamped down again. She did this a few times and then signaled for me to get my ass into our room.

i got up and went to the bedroom. Mistress started in with the tit torture again. the pain was yummy and my clit was buzzing and aching to be touched. Mistress sensed my excitement and gave me a kick right into my pussy. i almost came from the pain. She kept kicking me and turned around to heel kick my pussy. after one kick instead of putting Her foot down, She kept it right on my clit and rubbed it. it felt so good that i started moaning with pleasure. i was on the verge of having an orgasm when She pulled Her foot away. She continued punishing my nipples while my juices ran down my inner thighs. She turned me around and started scratching my ass and thighs. She dug Her nails into my ass and put Her ear by my mouth so She could hear me whimper in pain & pleasure. i needed to cum with a vengeance but She refused to give me permission. i went to sleep afterwards and slept good all night. then i woke up and felt like i was under attack by ninja germs. can a slave get sick from orgasm denial???

i still have an ache to cum but i will wait for Mistress's permission. we don't play while one of us is sick to avoid passing germs back and forth.

vibrations!!!

thursday while running errands Mistress surprised me by having us go into an adult toy store. She said She was getting us something to celebrate the day in november a few years ago that we began dating. after looking around She decided on getting a wireless remote vibrating egg. i was thrilled and couldnt wait to try it out. after we got home Mistress put the batteries in and had me put it in. it felt really nice :) the remote allows Her to not only control the strength but also the type of vibrations. it was right against my g-spot and Mistress enjoyed seeing me in pleasure. however when i felt the wave of orgasm start-Mistress would turn it down. She had it turned all the way up a few times and i could feel the vibrations up into my skull. She told me to keep it in but She was going to give the batteries a rest. we began reading and everytime i was really into my book She would hit the remote to make me squirm and/or jump. my book almost went flying into the wall a few times. Mistress still refused to allow me to cum. as it got closer to our bedtime i asked Mistress if i could take it out and She said no. i kept it in and went to sleep. next thing i know i am being jarred awake by my pussy vibrating. Mistress is a light sleeper and everytime Her eyes opened She would hit the remote. once i jumped so far i bumped my head on the wall. needless to say i did not get that much sleep. Mistress was having aloooot of fun making me jump. next She wants me to wear it in public...i am mixed with anticipation and eagerness. i love how it feels. however it is going to be difficult for me to not let on what is going on. Mistress also informed me that soon we are going to begin on ass training. not for my pleasure -but for the humiliation of punishment.

we did try out the tens unit. Mistress put it on my flesh-the setting She had it on was too strong. Mistress has been trying to figure out why the settings are off. She is going to have it checked out before She tries it on my pussy. i am still on razor/veet restriction and i am worried about burning my pubes off. i do miss being bare but would rather look like chewbacca then to have my pussy burnt. Mistress loves that i am humiliated to be hairy.

Mistress also had fun putting green & red clothes clips on me. She had them all over my tits. She took Her time putting them on and had fun making different designs. i loved the pain. i dont know what it is but tit pain gives me micro-orgasms. all Mistress has to say is "give me your tits now" and my pussy gets all wet. She also bought a spatula with holes in it from the dollar store and used that on my ass & tits. it made pretty marks and bruises. the dollar store is a delight for the sadist in Mistress....also for the masochist in me.

my laptop croaked so now we are down to just the desktop until the laptop is fixed. i can't wait. this desktop is an antique. that is why this post is short. i want to get it posted before this damn thing freezes up. i will elaborate more on things when we get the laptop back.

everyone take care, stay warm and safe :)

submissive~service & masochist

i am feeling better now and getting back into my full routine. i felt bad earlier today because i had let a couple of my duties go to the wayside when i was sick. Mistress doesnt like me to stress but it was hard. i felt panicky because i was worried that i wasnt being "submissive" enough. being a submissive is more than just enjoying kinky hot monkey sex. i live to submit to Mistress's will. i live to wait on Her hand & foot. to fulfill Her every desire and pleasure. i was net surfing and saw a statement that really stuck out to me

" its not the action but the attitude".

it made sense to me. even if i finished everything Mistress told me-if i did it with a bad attitude then it would be displeasing to Mistress because of my attitude. even when She isnt in the mood for training-She is still Mistress because of Her air of dominance.

She fulfills the masochist part of me by inflicting pain that brings me pleasure. She knows just what parts to hit at the most delicious times. when She is punishing me, the pain is unbearable but what hurts worst is Her being displeased with me.

i am eager for the children to begin back to school so W/we can have more quality Mistress/ submissive time. W/we are done with summer company and need to have alone time to do as Mistress wishes. lock the doors and connect with each other on that level. just a little over a week more and the kiddies will be gone most days :).

W/we are still planning to move but are now weighing the pros and cons on each place W/we are thinking to move to. with the beginning of school and....and....the holidays just a few months down the road W/we dont want to jump before really thinking about it. the final decision is Mistress's of course but She is asking my opinions on everything.

tonight i am cutting Mistress's hair and then W/we are secluding O/ourselves to O/our room. i am not sure what Mistress has in mind. i havent done anything to cause an infraction so i am pretty sure i am not going to be punished.

will let You know if there is anything to share from tonight.