back together with Mistress

i just wanted to post and let you all know that Mistress and i are back together. it took us a couple months to think things through and we both realized we want our marriage back. Mistress is still living where we moved from as our stepson and his family need Her with the new baby due any moment.

i will be visiting Her the weekend after mothers day and we are going camping alone for alot of needed kinky hot sex :). it is hard not living together right now but we are doing the best we can.

i will be catching up with reading and commenting on the blogs i used to follow religiously. it feels good to be back though :)

my past bdsm illusion and my bdsm reality

this past week or so i have read about the illusion of bdsm on other blogs. it got me to thinking on what i thought M/s was when i began my journey of being a submissive and what my reality is now. as a young child i was the type that wanted to serve others. i loved doing things for other people as a way to show my love and devotion for them. i went through alot as a child but the hell i went through never diminished my need to do for others.



i first heard of bdsm while going to gay clubs. most of my guy friends were gay and some of them were heavy into the leather bdsm scene. i would go with them to parties where there were slaves being bound and whipped or flogged or both. my best friend at the time gave me the book "the story of o" and recommended that i read it. i did and couldnt put it down until it was finished. i was 18 at the time and i remember getting turned on by reading about o being trained. i remember thinking "i want to be trained~this is something i need". i talked to my friend and he educated me on the being safe in the scene. at this time i was also introduced to the writings of ayn rand and still believe in her philosophy that only i am responsible for my true happiness.



i had a few relationships and a marriage where we would experiment with bdsm but i never found anyone i could trust enough to completely submit to. after divorcing my oldest daughters father-i met a man who became my first dom.(at the time i still considered myself bi). he trained me for a few years. we didnt have a 24/7 arrangement as he was honest in his having no desire of wanting to live with a child in his house. his father passed away and he had to go back to spain to take care of his mother. i gave him back his collar and we parted on good terms. while being his submissive i started realizing that the bdsm portrayed in books isnt what happens all the time in real life~at least not my life.



i then had a dom who ended up being very abusive and he didnt respect my hard limits or my safewords. he shattered my trust issues and it took me alooong time to even think about wanting to submit to someone again. during this time i also found my attraction to men waning. i had always preferred women but found that in most cases at that time~men didnt even cause me to take a second look. then i met Mistress.



when Mistress and i met through mutual friends~you could say it was lust at first sight. i sensed in Her the perfect Dom for me. She noticed that anytime we would hook up-i would fold all of our clothes into neat piles. i would also take off Her shoes and socks and clean up after we ate. i didnt even realize i was doing it until She pointed it out when we were out eating with the friends that introduced us. one of our friends turned to Her and said " ----- dont you realize that ------ is a submissive". Her and i later talked about it and we shared with each other both of our pasts in bdsm. neither of us had ever had a 24/7 M/s relationship. we agreed to take it slow. Mistress is alot stronger than me and was worried about hurting me. i shared with Her that i wasnt only interested in it being just in the bedroom but wanted also to be Her service slave. we did some research online and both agreed that She is in charge of everything. i am allowed some input on certain things but She always has final say. our M/s dynamic is different than other people's and thats ok.



Her and i have been together for a few years and we have both learned alot about ourselves, each other and our bdsm reality. even though it would be ideal for our M/s life together to be like it is in books-the reality of life isnt fiction. we have had our rough patches like other couples. one thing i am thankful for is those rough patches brought us closer together. i have learned that i am always Her submissive slave even if we havent had any playtime together in awhile. i know now that being a submissive slave is not only my actions but my attitude. my attitude does suck at times and thats my fault. i am learning to talk to Mistress more often instead of letting things build to the point where its toxic for me and our relationship.



so what about my earlier ideas about what bdsm was all about??? my belief is those books are really good books...but what i have with Mistress is 100% better.

vibrations!!!

thursday while running errands Mistress surprised me by having us go into an adult toy store. She said She was getting us something to celebrate the day in november a few years ago that we began dating. after looking around She decided on getting a wireless remote vibrating egg. i was thrilled and couldnt wait to try it out. after we got home Mistress put the batteries in and had me put it in. it felt really nice :) the remote allows Her to not only control the strength but also the type of vibrations. it was right against my g-spot and Mistress enjoyed seeing me in pleasure. however when i felt the wave of orgasm start-Mistress would turn it down. She had it turned all the way up a few times and i could feel the vibrations up into my skull. She told me to keep it in but She was going to give the batteries a rest. we began reading and everytime i was really into my book She would hit the remote to make me squirm and/or jump. my book almost went flying into the wall a few times. Mistress still refused to allow me to cum. as it got closer to our bedtime i asked Mistress if i could take it out and She said no. i kept it in and went to sleep. next thing i know i am being jarred awake by my pussy vibrating. Mistress is a light sleeper and everytime Her eyes opened She would hit the remote. once i jumped so far i bumped my head on the wall. needless to say i did not get that much sleep. Mistress was having aloooot of fun making me jump. next She wants me to wear it in public...i am mixed with anticipation and eagerness. i love how it feels. however it is going to be difficult for me to not let on what is going on. Mistress also informed me that soon we are going to begin on ass training. not for my pleasure -but for the humiliation of punishment.

we did try out the tens unit. Mistress put it on my flesh-the setting She had it on was too strong. Mistress has been trying to figure out why the settings are off. She is going to have it checked out before She tries it on my pussy. i am still on razor/veet restriction and i am worried about burning my pubes off. i do miss being bare but would rather look like chewbacca then to have my pussy burnt. Mistress loves that i am humiliated to be hairy.

Mistress also had fun putting green & red clothes clips on me. She had them all over my tits. She took Her time putting them on and had fun making different designs. i loved the pain. i dont know what it is but tit pain gives me micro-orgasms. all Mistress has to say is "give me your tits now" and my pussy gets all wet. She also bought a spatula with holes in it from the dollar store and used that on my ass & tits. it made pretty marks and bruises. the dollar store is a delight for the sadist in Mistress....also for the masochist in me.

my laptop croaked so now we are down to just the desktop until the laptop is fixed. i can't wait. this desktop is an antique. that is why this post is short. i want to get it posted before this damn thing freezes up. i will elaborate more on things when we get the laptop back.

everyone take care, stay warm and safe :)

tens unit???

Mistress got me up bright and early the other morning and told me to get dressed because we were going out for a walk and a light breakfast. all was going well until the bus was late and i started feeling grumpy from the lack of my usual couple cups of espresso strong coffee first thing in the morning. Mistress asked what was wrong and in my caffeine deprived haze-i got mouthy and told Her exactly what was wrong. She wasnt amuzed to say the least with my attitude. She asked me rhetorically why i had forgotten my place. i tried explaining to Her that She knows i am grumpy before my coffee. i was confused and asked Her why i was in trouble since She has overlooked it before. She explained to me She overlooks it when we are at home but i know the rule of always being respectful when we are out in public. i knew i was in the wrong and apologized. She informed me that i was going to be punished after She thought about it. i let it go and we went out to breakfast. we then went to the dollar store where Mistress picked out rope, plastic red & blue clothes clips. She was looking at the spatulas for awhile but commented to me that we had enough at home and She still wanted to work in the whip on me. i kept envisioning myself being bound, clipped and whipped for the better part of the day. needless to say i was not looking forward to going home.

we finally made it home and Mistress had the look in Her eye that let me know that the time to be punished was near. the phone rang and i heard our teen answer it-she then came and knocked on our door and let us know that her bff had arrived in town early and they were wondering if she could come over a day early to visit for a week. we said ok and Mistress told me that i was basically saved from what She had in mind due to us having company but that She would figure out another way to punish me that was more discreet. She let me know later that evening that before we took off the next morning-She was going to put enhancement gel all over my clit and pussy for me to wear while we were out. i did a mini-laugh until i saw the look in Her eye and i realized She was serious. i got a bit angry at Her for being soo devious and clever. it is very hard for me to keep a straight face and not make a sound when i am aroused. i didnt sleep that good from staying up and strategizing on how i could be oblivious to the gel and not let on to anyone that i was aroused. Mistress also let me know that this punishment did not absolve me from being bound, clipped and whipped. that would happen after our company was gone.

the next morning Mistress put the gel on and i felt it tingle. Mistress told me to get dressed and get ready to go. i was mentally trying to ignore the sensations until we were outside and the wind gusted through me. the second the wind hit my crotch-my clit went "schwing" and my legs started turning to rubber. Mistress asked me what was wrong with a smirk on Her face. i whispered to Her that i just needed a moment. She denied my request and told me to start walking. i did as i was told. i made it through out the morning and afternoon ok. Mistress cracked up when She saw that i was so aroused that i had a wet spot in my pants. Mistress received a package that was a tens unit. She informed me that She is going to try it out on my pussy at Her discretion. i am a bit nervous about it. She has experience with them but i dont. does anyone have experience with them?

beating me out of the blues

Mistress and i had some quality time today-She made sure of it. i had been feeling blue, out of it and found it hard to focus. it had been awhile since Mistress had inflicted delicious pain on me and i was needing it.Mistress had also been on edge as She hadnt been able to let off any steam by the same token.

we had our place to ourselves this afternoon-so Mistress gave me the look that it was time for me to get my beating. Mistress started out with punishing my ass by kicking it hard. Mistress knows i prefer my ass to be whipped but She will kick to make the pain more intense. She generally starts out slow but not today.i saw the look on Her face and knew She needed to beat me more than i needed Her to beat me. with the first kick i knew the pain was going to be intense. i was loving every minute of it. at first my ass was warm but then it grew hot. a few kicks caught me in the pussy by mistake. i gasped in surprise but then relished the pain that was making my juices start to flow. my ass was fire hot and i knew that there was going to be alot of bruises for awhile. i felt the endorphins start to kick in and was feeling all glowy.


Mistress then turned me around and pulled on my growing pubes. i thought maybe She had decided to just pull them all out to make my pussy bald again. a part of me was hoping not and a part of me was hoping She would. She let go and then proceeded to punch at my thighs. my ass was on fire and now my legs were being pummeled. the pain was almost unbearable but it was decadent.


Mistress then started on what i think is Her favorite-breast & nipple torture. i love it too. Mistress grabbed my left breast and twisted it hard while squeezing it. She does this thing where She will take a pinch of breast (or nipple) and put it between Her thumb and forefinger and tweak it really hard while squeezing as hard as She can. it feels like She is ripping a piece of flesh out of my breast (or nipple). that scares me which makes the pain more intense and heightens my enjoyment. Mistress let go of my boob and then grabbed at the nipple-first teasing it to make it rock hard and then pulling it while twisting it.


my vision started getting blurry and i was unaware of some of the things Mistress was doing to me. Mistress knew i was in subspace so She stopped and after we showered-we sat on our couch playing our favorite online games and watching some tv programs we like to watch. i thanked Mistress for my beating and She gave me a wierd smile. i asked Her "what?" and She didnt answer. i found out after a bit what She was smiling about. one thing She has been training me on is to not make a sound while i am being punished or disciplined. i guess a friend of mine had called when i was busy this morning and told Mistress she would call back at a specific time. Mistress didnt tell me but made sure i was home at that time.


my friend called when she said she would and so i began chatting with her and filling her in on what i have been up to. this friend of mine is very vanilla and doesnt know the full extent of Mistress's and my dynamic. Mistress knows this and so She knew this would be the perfect time to do what She had been training me to do. Mistress moved over closer to me on the couch when i was on the phone and laid Her hand across me and into my lap. i thought nothing of it and continued talking. next thing i knew-BAM-Mistress smacked Her hand into my breast and had a handful of it. She was squeezing it really hard and twisting it. i looked at Her and She mouthed to me to not make a sound and to talk to my friend. i did as i was told. Mistress let go and i thought She was done, but nope, She grabbed another handful and was twisting it all over the place. She did this several times and i did really good at not making any noise but talking to my friend. Mistress then grabbed again and dug Her nails into my nipple. i let out a "oooouuuccchhhiiieee mama". my friend asked "what?" and i told her the cat just scratched me. Mistress let out a chuckle and let go. just then a program was starting that Mistress and i love so i told my friend i had to let her go. Mistress and i watched our program and Mistress went to bed early because we have to leave before the crack of dawn to go out of town on business.


i am feeling alot better. my ass, thighs and tits are all bruised and marked. i love it when Mistress leaves marks on me. to me they are a token of my submissiveness to Mistress and a token of Her dominance to me. Mistress and i have been talking about the different titles in bdsm. i am Her submissive wife, Her property and Her slave as She has final say in everything. i only have say when She permits it. i do have equal say in our children and grandchildren because Mistress permits it. Mistress does not micromanage me and She loves that i am fiesty. i am only submissive to Her. i am respectful of other people but also independent and an alpha female. Mistress is one of but a few that have been able to quash the alpha in me-to top me and take my submissiveness from me. when i met Mistress i sensed in Her my dominant soulmate and She sensed in me Her submissive soulmate :)

i love you Mistress

Mistress's inspirations from other blogs....

this past week Mistress indulged herself by reading some of the blogs that i read. on one particular blog She read that the m of that dynamic has forbidden the s from shaving anything at all. Mistress got Her evil smirk on Her face and said to me "you are not to touch a razor until I say so". i pleaded with Her to rethink it and She said to not say another word about it or the way She chooses to take the hair off will be more painful. i hate the feeling of hair. i am of sicilian descent so it doesnt take long at all for the hair to get long. i feel yucky, irritated and downright unsexy. i got snippy for a moment with Mistress in public the other day and when we got home She let me have it. She pinched, squeezed,punched & slapped me all over except my face. She almost pulled my left breast off when i touched Her out of reflex from the pain. Her eyes got really big and She said "what have I told you about touching Me?". the punishment went on for the better part of the day. Mistress let me take breaks to rehydrate myself and to use the bathroom. She let me know that She is displeased with me because i am not applying myself to be all that i can be. my bipolar and panic attacks have been effecting me and She is displeased i havent been eating enough from my anxiety or keeping my mouth in check when i am irritable from the bipolar. i am going in next week to get my meds re-evaluated and getting a complete physical which is way overdue. i hate doctors but Mistress insists i go and so i am.

anyhow-Mistress has also been looking at alot of bdsm equipment online and is now making some of them Herself. She already has home-made nipple clamps, restraints and a paddle. She also wants to make Her own leather whipping straps, floggers, canes and tack bra. i registered on the slave registry and Mistress and i are looking into getting our contract done and pick out a leash and collar for me. it will take awhile as Mistress hates rushing to do things when it comes to us. She likes us to take our time and enjoy each moment......so do i.

whips & clips

i wanted to peek in and say hi. Mistress has kept me busy with getting the house ready for colder weather. W/we have also been out of town alot handling family things. with everything going on the bdsm kinda went to nil with U/us. i am always Mistress's submissive but i started to miss O/our quality time. Mistress knows me like a book so on O/our way back into town-She stopped and bought a new bull whip for U/us to enjoy. She has already tested it out on my ass and it felt delicious. W/we were running errands today and Mistress bought a bulk set of alligator clips. the children are home this weekend so they will probably be used this next week.

well-Mistress is telling me its time to get off the net. i will update more at a later time.

tit torture & other training

with U/us now having more alone time~Mistress has decided to put me through more training. one afternoon i was restricted to the bathroom. She had me take my clothes off. She then handed me the egg and told me to go into O/our bathroom and apply it to my clit until She said to stop. She also said i could cum when & how many times i wanted to-i just had to not make a sound while doing it. i also had to sit on the closed toilet seat and not fall off or move it in any way. O/our toilet seat pops off if there is a draft so i knew i wouldnt be able to move a hair. i went into the bathroom and sat, turned on the egg and put it to my clit. it felt really good but i wasnt able to really get into it because i was being careful to not make a sound or move. i started to feel myself cum so i braced my feet to the floor so i wouldnt move. i also put my free hand over my mouth so i wouldnt make a sound. i came and peaked out the door to Mistress to see if i was finished. She motioned for me to shut the door which meant i wasnt. i came 5 more times and with each one it grew harder and harder to not move or make a sound. Mistress was pleased with me and allowed me to play my favorite computer games :) thank you Mistress.

a couple days after that W/we were going through storage boxes and Mistress found an old motor for a battery charger. She got this evil grin on Her face and told me to bring Her the egg.

i brought it to Her and She had me sit down to watch Her splice the wires to the egg to the motor. She then handed it to me and told me to go try it out in the bathroom. i didnt have to stay in there. She just wanted me to put it on my clit, turn it on and come report to Her how it felt. i went into the bathroom,pulled off my pants & panties and turned the egg on. it vibrated my whole hand. i knew not to hesitate in doing as i was told so i put it up to my clit. my clit went "schwing" and my mind went "holy shit". i took it off, turned it off and put my pants and panties back on. i went back to Mistress and told Her how it felt. She smiled and had me put it back up.

W/we continued going through things and Mistress found a set of medical clamps. where She got them-i haven't a clue-but there they were. She came over and sat next to me. She grabbed my right breast and put the clamp on there. the pain was delicious. She twisted the clamp clockwise and counterclockwise and i felt my pussy getting wet. She unclamped it and reclamped it on another part of that tit. She repeated twisting it back & forth and i moaned in pleasure. She then grabbed at my nipple and tweaked it to make it hard. She took the clamp and clamped it to my nipple. the pain was almost unbearable. She then grabbed a rubber band and applied it to the clamp handle so She didnt have to keep Her hand on it. She told me not to move and kept it there for awhile. it was an intense mix of pleasure and pain. it was one of those "hurt so good" moments. She undid the rubber band and unclamped the clamp real fast. the pain always hurts worse on my tits when things are taken off than when they are put on. She then started tweaking the left nipple and put the clamp on. She didnt apply the rubberband but repeated the twisting and pulled on the nipple some. i almost came from the pain but i didnt since Mistress didnt give me permission. She kept twisting & pulling and it felt like She was going to pull my nipple off. logically i know that would never happen but it felt like it. when She took the clamp off my nipple looked mutated. i had marks all over my right breast with that nipple bruised and my left nipple was also bruised. Mistress had me lay down on my stomach to keep the nerves stimulated and hurting. She asked if i was wet and i said yes. after the pain subsided She let me sit up.

She asked if they still hurt and i said yes. She said she could take my mind off of my tits and proceeded to snap the bottoms of my feet with the rubberband. it was stinging like hell but i enjoyed it and it definitely took my mind off of my tits.Mistress then told me to get something off of the floor by the bottom of O/our bed. i laid down to get it and immediately felt a "swack" on my ass. i looked at Mistress and She had a hairbrush in Her hand that She was spanking me with. She spanked me a few times with the flat side. She then looked at the brush, turned it over and spanked me with the bristles side. the bristles made my ass sting. Mistress was spanking me in the same spot over & over. i looked at Her and told Her it was getting numb. She didnt like how i said it and got really angry with me. She said that making it numb was what She was going for and She didnt like me complaining about it. i tried to explain to Her that i was just trying to inform Her and wasnt complaining. She didnt want to hear it and told me the discussion was over. She told me W/we will talk about it again when She decides to-which is ok with me. She is the one in charge. i shouldve not have opened my mouth and let Her do what She was doing. i shouldve of waited for Her to ask me for my input. i know i am in trouble and Mistress is displeased with me. i am soo sorry Mistress :( i wasnt allowed to sleep in bed with Her that night after i was banished to the back porch for awhile. She was ignoring me for a couple days but now She is talking to me more. She knows that i hate being ignored-i would rather be whipped harshly. i have learned my lesson and still submitting to Her.

Has anyone else had their dom ignore them as punishment?

more training

sorry that i havent posted in almost a week. Mistress and i have been real busy with many things and more training. W/we went to the home improvement store where Mistress was able to get the prices on Her projects. She also picked out some eye bolts & chains and gave me a look to let me know that those are for what She has in store for me. She also has a cage/crate She has told me i will be kept in as punishment for minor infractions.

the next day W/we were running errands and i got a bit mouthy. O/our truck is broken down so W/we were using public transit. to teach me to keep my mouth quiet She pinched my nipples really hard and gave me a look to act normal. i was sitting by the window and She was sitting by the aisle so no one could see what She was doing under O/our bags. i knew better than to say anything but the hardest part was not making any faces to give away that She was torturing my nipples. when W/we got home i cut Her hair. W/we were taking a shower when She got that look in Her eye. She began to tease my breast & nipples. my clit got really hard and i told Her so. She then put the shower on pulsate and pulled the shower head & put it right on my clit. i instictly went to move away and She said "DON"T" & tweaked my nipple. She moved around the shower head until i thought i was going to cum. my hands were behind my back. i looked at Her for permission for release and She had a smirk on Her face. She pulled the shower head away and then put it back again to bring me to the brink of cumming. She did this a few more times but refused to let me cum. She turned the shower head back to spray and started spraying down my face. i held my breath until i thought i couldnt hold it no more and She would pull it away so i could breath. She had the water on very warm but when She got out to let me shower-she turned it down to just above cold. i showered with the curtain half open while She dried off so She could watch me with hardened nipples from the cool water. to make things colder She opened up the door & the draft made my nipples that much harder. She left me to finish and when i went to O/our room to dress-i was disappointed to not find Her there. i found Her outside and She refused to allow me toytime or to finish fucking me. She did have me go into the house where W/we did some improvised needle play with skewers. She didnt break the skin as i knew She wouldnt. She still pressed real hard~it hurt but not enough for me to use the safeword. She knows i trust Her. the next morning W/we went outside in the cold and engaged in more nipple play. Mistress loves it when my nipples are hard so She can flick them and squeeze them to make my pussy wet. She was doing such a good job i thought i was going to cum. She sensed it and stopped. i am still on orgasm restriction and i am not allowed to touch myself erotically.

i forgot to put my glasses on while reading again so i was internet restricted for a day.

the next day W/we received a new bed from some good friends. they had bought it for their spare room in their previous house. they moved into a smaller place so they gave U/us the bed that was only slept on a couple times. Mistress and i love it and bought satin sheets for it. i can't wait to break the bed in but O/our main priority right now is keeping the house quiet so the children can rest up for their first day of school.

that pretty much was O/our week.

discussions...

today Mistress and i ran a few errands and made it home before it began to downpour again. i think this area has seen the last of summer. anyhow...Her and i were talking again on safety words. Mistress wants to do more training with a mouth gag and bondage. She came up with the idea that when i am gagged if i need Her to stop right away~i will tap 3 times. when She wants to check on me She will say my name 3 times and if i don't acknowledge Her She will cease immediately. We practiced some today when the kiddies were on the other side of the house. Mistress had me in strange positions and She would instruct me on when to tap out and i did. Mistress has it in Her head that i am more limber than what i am. i mentioned to Her afterwords that i am a submissive lesbian~not a submissive contortionist. She had me in one position that i felt my heel was going to touch the back of my head. i know that would never happen but thats what it felt like.

Mistress has been also anxious for school to start. we already have the kids back on their school sleep schedules. all that needs to happen is for the first day to get here and i have a feeling Mistress is going to make up for lost time so i may not be able to blog for a few days while we celebrate our privacy :)

this weather sucks. the lack of sun really affects my energy. Mistress and i are going to a home repair store tomorrow to look for supplies for Her many projects and i am going to check out full spectrum bulbs. i read that they really work by simulating sun light which will help with us feeling soo blah. they are also really good for houseplants which i am getting once we get moved. i am not really sure what project Mistress is working on now but She said She wants to complete it asap.

oh-i did have someone message me on fetlife who asked why i hadnt posted any personal pics. Mistress restricts me from doing so. Her rule is i am only for Her to look at~end of discussion. i am "Her puppy", "Her girl", "Her wife",etc.......

back to "normal"

after a couple days of talking about what went wrong-Mistress and i are now chalking it up to experience and moving on with what W/we learned from it. it wasnt soo much the physical aspect of what was going on. something about Mistress punching my arm triggered terror in me-terror i havent felt since my early childhood. my early childhood was very abusive and a big part of why i want to get my degree to work with disturbed children. luckily for me i was rescued from that hell and got intensive therapy for all that i had experienced and witnessed.
anyhow...Mistress was very concerned about retraumatizing me and was scared to physically punish me or even cause me pain (which i love) during play. it took U/us talking over the weekend for Her to realize that i dont view Her as abusive at all nor would i ever view Her as that. W/we are now back to normal- "O/our normal". on sunday night She caught me reading without my glasses-an infraction-so i was restricted from the computer,my cell, the phone and watching what i wanted on the tv all day monday.i also had to wear Mistress's leather jacket while W/we ran errands-the scent of leather makes me very horny and wet. Mistress forbid me to have toy time and She went everywhere with me to make sure i wasnt touching myself erotically.
i caught up on my reading after failing to be entertained by the sci-fi movie that Mistress was watching. i was going through computer withdrawals and was on edge from being so horny without release. Mistress made it worse by teasing my nipples and clit and then stopping right at the point i was going to orgasm several times.the last time i thought She was going to let me cum but right when i was going to ask permission to cum~She stopped and smiled Her wicked grin at me. i made a frustrated grunt and Mistress corrected my attitude by then inflicting massive pain on my breasts,nipples and ass.
i have added some things to the sidebar of my blog. the dragon represents Mistress and the fairy represents me. i have also added a daily fractal. i love fractals and cant help but staring at them. i am going through all of the gadgets and seeing which ones look interesting to add. my blog is a due process and always under construction.

discovery of a hard limit

Mistress was proceeding to punish me. She used the cherry switch to whip my back, ass and legs. She hit harder with every lash and left many welts. My skin was screaming "NO" but i kept silent and dare not move away for fear of making the punishment worse. Mistress grabbed for a breast and didnt get a good grip-for some insane reason i smirked ~ which made Her grab at it harder and twist it while pinching. my eyes bulged out from the pain but i kept silent and gave Her my look of submission of looking into Her eyes and then looking down. She let go of that breast. i thought the breast torture was done but then She grabbed my nipple and twisted it so hard i thought it was going to tear off. She whipped me some more and did some more breast torture. the punishment hurt like hell~what brought it to a screeching halt for now is She was punching my legs and arms. at first it hurt and i kept quiet-then She punched my arm a little harder which wasnt really hard-however something about the last punch scared the shit out of me. a wave of terror swept over me and i just burst out crying and had to get away. i wasnt scared that Mistress would ever abuse me-NO WAY- i just felt a sudden urge to fight or flight. i am definitely not going to ever strike Mistress so i ran into our bathroom crying. Mistress was confused and i was screaming that i was scared and i didnt want Her to punch me like that ever again. after awhile i calmed down and Mistress and i are taking this afternoon off to do Dom/sub aftercare and communicate on my reaction. punching is now a hard limit. i told Mistress i know She would never abuse me and that i still trust Her. this is the first time i have ever had a reaction like this. i am feeling bad for not controlling my emotions better. Mistress says She understands and there is no need to keep explaining myself. the worst part is how i screamed at Mistress and made it seem She had done something abusive.
has anyone else had a similar reaction with their dom/me. any feedback is appreciated.

busy,busy,busy

this morning i realized i hadnt blogged in a few days. my punishment is over for now...it has been post-poned. W/we have had company all week and now have grand-children over this following week. Mistress is not letting me forget my place and gives me a look on occasion to let me know that even though She isnt currently punishing me~She hasnt forgotten that i have a punishment coming. i have been doing my best to do all i can to make up to Her the fact that i was a smartass and disrespected Her. She also pinches my breasts and nipples when we have our sporadic moments alone to also remind me of that. i tend to let things (from the stress of other people's bullsh!t) build and vent but that is no excuse for talking to Her the way that i did. i am working on other ways of dealing with that stress than taking it out on Her.

Mistress and i have started our profiles on fetlife. not too sure what i think of it so far. i have joined a couple groups and post when i have something to add. i have had a few dom's contact me but i just delete the messages. they apparently are unable to read since my profile clearly states that i wont correspond with any dom's without Mistress's consent. funny that they are able to write to me but havent written Mistress.

Mistress and i have been busy going through things to get them packed so when W/we do find a place to move-most of the work is done. it is amazing how much stuff W/we have accumulated in the time that W/we have been here. i am a self-admitted pack rat~Mistress put Her foot down and so the things i dont need have been thrown away. She has also let me know that when W/we move She has plans to make it so i can be punished wether W/we have company or not. Mistress is very inventive so i am imagining She is going to maybe soundproof a room that She has the only key to. She invents Her own things to punish me with and She wants to either have or build a workshed for more privacy to make such things. W/we will also probably be taking another run to our favorite adult store for things to reward me with. i have been hearing alot of good things about the hitachi wand and i am eager to try it out.

has anyone tried out the hitachi and care to leave me a comment on if it lives up to its reputation?

which is worse......

the waiting for the punishment or the punishment itself? Mistress had me off the internet last night and i was exiled to a small corner of the bed to sleep on which wasnt very comfortable. today i was required to do all the household duties i hate the most on my hands and knees. i thought that was the end of my punishment but Mistress began whipping me with a leash and pinching my breasts and nipples really hard. i am not permitted to utter a sound during punishments but i was yelping in pain inside my head. with every lash i felt like my back and ass were on fire. when She squeezed my breasts i thought they were going to fall off. my nipples went numb from all the pain she inflicted on them. Mistress was interrupted by company knocking on the door. it is hot today but She told me to wear a shirt and pants to cover the marks She inflicted. i had to sit so my back didnt touch any furniture. when company left She let me know that the punishment wasnt over and She had plans. She brought out out the restraints i hate because they dont allow me any leeway to move when i am in them. She told me She is going to teach me to not be a smartass to Her. She again pinched and twisted my breast really hard and refused to let go for awhile. She also told me that a new rule is when i ask if the punishment is over-i will be punished for asking. She is watching a program on her laptop and She gave me permission to get on mine. i am on pins and needles wondering when my punishment will commence. i know its going to hurt like hell and not a good hurt. i can still feel the welts on my back and my breasts and nipples are all bruised up. i havent had the oppurtunity to see if the anal toys have been moved. She knows i hate Her to use them on me without lube. it is not a hard limit-just something i dont enjoy. i wish i could figure out what possesses me sometimes to be a smartass and disrespect Mistress.

lesson learnt

yesterday was better. when i woke up i was still feeling down by not only displeasing Mistress but by also Her having to punish me the way She did to get my head out of my ass.

when She first hit my ass with the broom i looked at Her and knew it was time for me to be punished. i stood still as she hit my ass hard and didnt utter anything. i knew i was in the wrong and the pain was anything but erotic. she then flicked and swatted at my nipples and i bit my lip to remain quiet. W/we were outside in the rain and my nipples were rock hard from the cold. the pain She was inflicting on them sent lightning bolts of searing pain all throughout my tits and down into my toes. my mind was screaming "RED" but i knew not to say it or the punishment would be worse. Mistress was displeased with me and She had every right to be. when She was done i looked at Her and the look of disappointment on Her face hit me harder than my punishment. i cursed at myself in my head for taking my bad attitude out on Her. i gave Her space as She showered and watched Her movie. She didnt really say too much to me but She showed me the switch to let me know that if i continued i would get a worse punishment. Mistress has a way of making things that feel soo good during Her rewarding me feel like hell on earth when i have displeased Her.

She let me sleep in the bed with Her and after O/our following morning routine She rewarded me with the cherry switch for not letting the pain & bruises from my punishment get in the way of my duties. when i was being switched my whole body got warm-starting from my nipples and pussy on out. i feel so connected to Mistress when She is rewarding me. She left quiet a few welts on my back and ass.i love it when She leaves marks on me. they remind me of my gift of submission to my soulmate. it felt good that all was forgiven.

W/we ran errands in the late morning to early afternoon. W/we went to dinner and a movie with friends. W/we saw the new movie "x-files:i want to believe". i wont give away what happens but the suspension was making me fidgety and Mistress warned me to sit still or i would sit elsewhere by myself as punishment. W/we came home and had a quiet evening with the children. i have resolved to myself to be more careful in the future to check my attitude when it comes to Mistress. She admires the fact that i speak my mind but what i did was beyond that. i hope that this will be one of a few posts about punishments. *keeping fingers crossed*

Was I born to be a submissive?

Mistress still isnt feeling well. She is running a low fever and needs rest to feel better. Last night while watching a movie with her, I was thinking on if I was born to be a submissive or did it come about from my life experiences.

In my childhood I was always a caretaker. I was independent but also felt the need to give to others. I also had a high pain threshold and being an early bloomer, I was sexually precocious. My first lover was a female friend & satisfying her gave me more pleasure than having my own orgasms. Her and I experimented with different things and I found out the smell and touch of leather makes me very horny & wet.

My first male lover was much older than me & was very patient in teaching me how to give blowjobs and fuck men. After I left home I met and fell in love with a man who was into light bondage and spanking me while we were fucking. He also had certain rules I had to abide by or I would be punished and forbidden to cum. He also introduced me to swinging and I loved fucking women for him to watch.

My first master was a man from Spain. I met him at a BDSM club and he was whipping one of his slaves. The sight of it instantly turned me on and I was envious of the slave who was getting whipped. Him and I talked for awhile and I was awed by his aura of power and confident assertivenes. We exchanged phone numbers and for the next few weeks we chatted on a nightly basis. I inquired on if he would think about training me. He said we would meet the next day for lunch and then go to his house for my first scene. His house was huge but I was most impressed by the dungeon he had set up in his basement. We talked about what things were off limits to me and what things I was interested in. He then ordered me to disrobe and fold my clothes and put them on the stool I was sitting on. I was in such a hurry that I didnt really fold the clothing the best I could. He swatted my ass with his open hand and said "Fold them again-and do it right this time". I obliged. He then put handcuffs on my wrists and then chained me to a hook on the wall and told me to spread my legs. He put a blindfold & gag on me. He then put a rock in my hand and put a metal bowl under that hand on the floor. He said that if I wanted him to stop at anytime, to drop the rock in the bowl and he would stop immediately. I heard him step away from me and then I heard nothing. It seemed like forever until I felt a flogger being caressed down my back and into my ass and teasing my pussy. My pussy was getting moist and my nipples were starting to get hard. I then felt the flogger leave my skin and then felt it slap against my back. It hurt soo good and just made me more turned on. I moved my body to be closer to him while he was flogging me. The more he flogged me, the more pain I felt and the more horny I became. I then felt his breath close to my ear and he said that he was going to next leave marks on me. He left again and right after I smelled his cologne again, I felt a slash across my back. I realized he was using a whip on me. It felt alot better than the flogger and my head was getting an euphoric rush from the pain. As the pain grew more intense-the glow behind my eyes was getting brighter. I became unaware of the physical world around me and felt like I was floating on clouds. I was on the clouds for a bit and then I became aware of his arm around me while with the other hand he was taking me off of the wall. He kept the blindfold and gag on and led me further into his dungeon. I heard him unlock a door and he took me into a room and told me to sit. When I sat I realized I was on a bed. He then took off the blindfold and gag. He turned me onto my stomache and hooked my handcuffed hands to a hook on the headboard of the bed.

He raised me onto my knees and proceeded to fuck me doggystyle. Being fucked after all the glorious pain was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. I felt myself ready to cum, he realized it too and said "Don't cum until I say so slave". He fucked me for what seemed like an eternity and I needed to cum real bad. He then said "Cum now,right now slave". I came really hard in multiple orgasms and felt him cumming. He then unhooked my hands and told me to lick our juices off of his cock. I obliged. He then had me look into the full length mirror at my back and ass. They were both full of slash marks. I liked the look of them and thanked master. He then had me lay down on my stomache on the bed and he proceeded to rub ointment onto my slashes.

I was his slave for 3 years. I have children and he wasnt into having children in his house so it wasnt a 24/7 arrangement. On the weekends that the children were gone at relatives or friends, I would stay at his house and have a 24/7 weekend. Unfortunately his father passed away after a long illness and he went back to Spain to take care of his mother (he is their oldest son).

After him I have been searching for another dom. When I met my wife, she had never been involved with m/s as much as I have. I just sensed in her that she would be the perfect domme for me. We talked about it and are now in a 24/7 m/s relationship.

After thinking about it while writing this entry-I believe my being a submissive is a result of both by nature & nurture. What do you think?

BDSM quiz

Mistress isnt feeling well today so while she is napping-I took a quiz I found on another submissive's blog.

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Submissive (((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.))) It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea. Submissive 100% Masochist 86% Degradation Lover 79% Bondage 71% Experimental 64% Exhibitionist / Voyeur 39% Switch 29% Sadist 29% Vanilla 18% Dominant 7%

The results arent suprising. I am submissive, a masochist, into being degraded (only by Mistress) and I love bondage with Mistress.