my past bdsm illusion and my bdsm reality

this past week or so i have read about the illusion of bdsm on other blogs. it got me to thinking on what i thought M/s was when i began my journey of being a submissive and what my reality is now. as a young child i was the type that wanted to serve others. i loved doing things for other people as a way to show my love and devotion for them. i went through alot as a child but the hell i went through never diminished my need to do for others.



i first heard of bdsm while going to gay clubs. most of my guy friends were gay and some of them were heavy into the leather bdsm scene. i would go with them to parties where there were slaves being bound and whipped or flogged or both. my best friend at the time gave me the book "the story of o" and recommended that i read it. i did and couldnt put it down until it was finished. i was 18 at the time and i remember getting turned on by reading about o being trained. i remember thinking "i want to be trained~this is something i need". i talked to my friend and he educated me on the being safe in the scene. at this time i was also introduced to the writings of ayn rand and still believe in her philosophy that only i am responsible for my true happiness.



i had a few relationships and a marriage where we would experiment with bdsm but i never found anyone i could trust enough to completely submit to. after divorcing my oldest daughters father-i met a man who became my first dom.(at the time i still considered myself bi). he trained me for a few years. we didnt have a 24/7 arrangement as he was honest in his having no desire of wanting to live with a child in his house. his father passed away and he had to go back to spain to take care of his mother. i gave him back his collar and we parted on good terms. while being his submissive i started realizing that the bdsm portrayed in books isnt what happens all the time in real life~at least not my life.



i then had a dom who ended up being very abusive and he didnt respect my hard limits or my safewords. he shattered my trust issues and it took me alooong time to even think about wanting to submit to someone again. during this time i also found my attraction to men waning. i had always preferred women but found that in most cases at that time~men didnt even cause me to take a second look. then i met Mistress.



when Mistress and i met through mutual friends~you could say it was lust at first sight. i sensed in Her the perfect Dom for me. She noticed that anytime we would hook up-i would fold all of our clothes into neat piles. i would also take off Her shoes and socks and clean up after we ate. i didnt even realize i was doing it until She pointed it out when we were out eating with the friends that introduced us. one of our friends turned to Her and said " ----- dont you realize that ------ is a submissive". Her and i later talked about it and we shared with each other both of our pasts in bdsm. neither of us had ever had a 24/7 M/s relationship. we agreed to take it slow. Mistress is alot stronger than me and was worried about hurting me. i shared with Her that i wasnt only interested in it being just in the bedroom but wanted also to be Her service slave. we did some research online and both agreed that She is in charge of everything. i am allowed some input on certain things but She always has final say. our M/s dynamic is different than other people's and thats ok.



Her and i have been together for a few years and we have both learned alot about ourselves, each other and our bdsm reality. even though it would be ideal for our M/s life together to be like it is in books-the reality of life isnt fiction. we have had our rough patches like other couples. one thing i am thankful for is those rough patches brought us closer together. i have learned that i am always Her submissive slave even if we havent had any playtime together in awhile. i know now that being a submissive slave is not only my actions but my attitude. my attitude does suck at times and thats my fault. i am learning to talk to Mistress more often instead of letting things build to the point where its toxic for me and our relationship.



so what about my earlier ideas about what bdsm was all about??? my belief is those books are really good books...but what i have with Mistress is 100% better.