yesterday i woke up and something wasnt right. i couldnt put my finger on it. we had to run errands so i bundled up for the cold weather. Mistress could tell something was wrong. i wasnt feeling good inside and out. my eyes started to tear up on the bus. i wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and pull it in after me. all i remember feeling was a sense of doom and horror. when we got home i exploded and acted like....acted like a bitch from hell. Mistress and i had the worst fight we have ever had. i was completely in the wrong and Mistress put me in my place. i am feeling better now but ashamed at my behavior. i am soo lucky to have Mistress in my life. i know if i had to live with someone like me...i would've abandoned ship looooong ago. Mistress and i are taking time off from the s&m part of our dynamic. we want to figure out why i pushed Her into a fight where She would physically restrain me so i would give in and stop with my nonsense. when She was restraining me i felt a wave of calm wash over me and then disgust at myself for topping from the bottom. i am still Her submissive slave and doing service for Her. i am trying to figure out in my head what is more important to me-the service aspect of being a submissive slave or the masochistic aspect. i am trying to find a balance between the two. i love doing service for Her but i find if i havent had pain in awhile i get a bit bitchy.
why???
I have the same problem that you do. I get very easily reactive and bitchy when I don't have an outlet... at least, that is what I see the pain as: an outlet.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you feel like the pain is a physical response and flushing out of any stress you have emotionally or physically? It's a very intense moment when your senses overwhelm what your mind tries to fix itself... I always found that I was much calmer and less stressed when I had consistent pain play in my sexual life.
Now, because of outside things bothering me, my emotions are getting the best of me and my pain tolerance is low, even though that's something I know I need. So now, I am very very bitchy, and pushing my Master to his limits too.
Maybe it's a similar problem?
maybe so~i think it will be some time before Mistress and i are back to where we were. i took things too far in pushing Her buttons.
ReplyDelete